If I could reach back through time and have a heart-to-heart with my twenty-something self, what would I say to her?
She’s in her twenties, that glorified period of life when she’s supposed to be discovering herself, deep in exploration, living her most defining decade. And yet.....she may feel like the exact opposite. Or exactly that. Or somewhere in between. She probably doesn't even know...
It’s only now that I’m here in my 30s that I understand why you were so desperate. Desperate for love, desperate to be seen, desperate to be good enough. There was stuff that went down in our childhood that broke some key pieces of us, and it took years to figure out that that's what had happened, and that was what needed to be healed. I won’t lie to you, younger me — it’s such a relief to be here on this side of the space-time continuum.
The best advice I can give you is to trust that it will all unfold as it should. I could give you warnings about certain people and situations, but if you don’t experience them — and make those mistakes — you won’t get to where I am now, and it’s pretty great here. Being on your own was the scariest thing you could imagine. Even in those quiet moments in your journal, when you questioned your relationship, your path, your future, you couldn’t imagine being truly on your own. Yet something is going to happen when you’re 30 that will shatter EVERYTHING and set you on the path to becoming me. Because all that running you did — running away from yourself, your feelings, your truth — you just won’t be able to do that any more. And that will be the greatest gift you’ll ever be given. You’ll discover that the desperation for love, for being seen, for being good enough will be healed when you finally get it from the person you need it from most — yourself.
I realise this letter hasn’t been that helpful. I’d love to sit down with you and have a tea (or, more likely, a glass or three of wine) and tell you the stuff I know now. But in many ways this screwed up path you’re walking is perfect for you. Perfect for the lessons you need to embrace and figure out. Because it will make you the woman I am today, and everything that’s happening now for you will suddenly make sense. And you’ll be glad it happened. You’ll see that it’s just one chapter in the book of you, and we all need to start somewhere. You’re doing the best you can with the tools you have. And that, my darling younger self, is more than enough.
So, in closing, can I just gently suggest you keep writing in your journal as you have always done. And keep taking photographs. And keep questioning everything.
Getting older is AWESOME. Hang on to that — the good stuff is on its way to you, I promise.
All my love
Your 30-something self
